There is nothing pleasant about divorce. There is a falling apart of love, relationships, and families. Yet there is a growing consensus among estranged couples and families that divorces can be handled amicably. Many couples do split amicably, and remain friends. They do not have arguments for everyone to see, or ugly custody and alimony battles.
The kids in such divorces actually benefit from the separation. This is precisely our point of focus today. Can divorce actually be beneficial for kids? Apparently, the answer is yes. Whether it is a toxic relationship rid with abuse and arguments that they have been witnessing between their parents, or a simply unhappy and disruptive marriage, divorce in either case will actually prove beneficial for the kids.
It is true that kids require love, support and care of both parents to grow into balanced and happy individuals, but parents can shower this love individually too.
So, if you are unhappy in your marriage, and want to get a divorce, but are withholding the decision owing to your kids, sit back for a while and read this post that talks about five ways to make divorce beneficial for the kids.
Make the Kids Meet New People
Once the nastiness and pain of the divorce is over, encourage your kids to meet new people. It is important that your kids come out from the heavy environment of divorce,and open up to other people and situations.
This would be the right time to make them meet different people, enroll them in various classes, and ensure that they build their communication skills and not go into a shell. It may take some time for the kids to speak to their parents about exactly how they feel. However, it is important that the kids get other avenues to express themselves, and vent their emotions.
Friends that they make in the soccer practice, and ballet lessons may be the people they will openly communicate with. Sometimes an adult other than parents also becomes a friend and confidante.
Show Them You are Happier Apart Than Together
Your kids want nothing more than seeing you happy. As parents you cannot be miserable and sad post your divorce as well. If you find a better partner, it is great. You begin a new life with him or her. On the other hand, if you are alone, bask in your new found freedom. Show your children the myriad joys of single hood and how it is much better to stay single and happy rather than unhappy and married.
Instill the importance of having a happy and positive relationship in your children. Staying in a bad marriage affects everyone adversely. Set an example before your children of having the strength to walk out of a bad relationship. Know that your children would much rather see their parents separate and happy rather than together and unhappy.
Make Them Stronger and Independent
While there are tons of studies claiming that kids with divorced parents often lag behind on certain counts, there is no study stating how these children would perform staying in a non-divorced household, where there is anxiety and tension floating around constantly. Such children have to constantly walk on eggshells, and no they do not grow up to be super achievers. Instead the effect is actually quite the opposite.
On the other hand, seeing parents getting divorced can actually make them much more stronger and independent. Sure, you need to be sensitive with children during these troubled times, but I always recommend parents, to not mollycoddle or bend all rules for them. Children have a far greater understanding than what we credit them with.
View the divorce as an opportunity to let your children find their own feet and become stronger and independent individuals. A Dartmouth study on effects of divorce on kids stated that 75-80 percent of children develop into well adjusted adults with no emotional or psychological issues. They are not under achievers, nor do they have a difficulty forming close relationships.
On the contrary, divorce molds them in a way that makes them resilient and strong. They become more prepared for the trials and tribulations of life. In this process they also develop life skills and attitudes to solves obstacles, issues, and problems in life.
It must be emphasized though, that this by no way means that either of the parent can use the children as a shoulder to cry on. Children have minds and capacities of their own , and they deal with issues in their limited capacities. Just because your child is being strong and matured about the situation, don’t make him an adult. Narrating your woes to him will only crumble his faith and self-determination, and make the situation more difficult for him.
Have a Renewed Relationship With Your Child
It is not easy to be a great parent in a tensed and anger ridden atmosphere. However, when you split up amicably, you have a great opportunity to revive your relationship with your child. Whether it is co-parenting, or custody your are looking for, try to keep the process as smooth as possible. Hire an attorney who understands your needs and situations, and secures you your rights, while keeping things between you and your ex cordial.
When you and your ex part on a better rather than bitter note, the children hold you in higher regard. Communicate with your child openly, ask him about his school, her dancing lessons, hobbies, and pursuits. Go for movies together, take short breaks with your child. Establish a beautiful bond with your child that allows her to feel secured and loved inspite of everything. This will enable your child to become a much more confident individual.
Finally, Allow Them to Experience Benefits of Two Loving and Competent Parents
Life is all about balance. So mathematically put, divorced parents do no tilt the scales in their children’s favor. Tilt the scales in favor of your children by allowing them to experience tiny advantages of two loving parents like two holidays, fun-filled and extended weekends with the weekend parent, result discussion, report sharing and camp form signing with the liberal parent, and the likes. These small things can be a source of immense happiness to your child. So until the line is not toed , you and your ex spouse can continue to alternate between good cop and bad cop and let your kids feel a tad bit privileged.
Ultimately, it is how you approach the divorce that will impact your children. Being matured, compassionate and understanding will help your child benefit from the divorce rather than be harmed by it.